Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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