I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
