Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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