oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
