Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
cat food counts as protein by the way
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
