If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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