you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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