just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
