I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
