During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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