you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
