Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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