I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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