she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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