just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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