do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
