I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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