At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
