you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
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Blood and glitter go together right?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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