More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
