Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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