Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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