apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
