rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
