I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I got inside last night via doggy door
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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