My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
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