yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
