Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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