Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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