I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
