somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
