the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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