How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
