Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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