she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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