Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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