the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
