that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
