i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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