He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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