I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
