i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
