Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
