that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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