Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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