I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Just puked most of my soul out..
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
