I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
