I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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