How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
