with your own penis?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
