just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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