pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
