One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
