I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
