There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
