were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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