this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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