So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
