hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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