i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
