you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
