you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
