3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
